What to Do If Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Be Intimate? [VIDEO]

Is your wife avoiding intimacy, and you’re not sure what to do?

You’re not alone. This is one of the most common struggles men face in long-term relationships. But before you jump to conclusions or let frustration take over, there’s one essential truth to understand:

Your wife doesn’t feel safe.

That lack of safety could be emotional, psychological, or physical—and it’s keeping her from wanting intimacy. In this post, I’m going to break down:

• Two major reasons why women shut down sexually (one you can’t control, and one you can).

• The three universal elements of desire that reignite attraction and connection.

• What you need to do today to shift the dynamic in your relationship.

Let’s dive in.

1. Trauma & Unresolved Past Experiences

One of the most common reasons women struggle with intimacy in long-term relationships is unresolved trauma from past experiences. It’s a painful reality that 4 out of 5 women have encountered some form of unwanted sexual contact, whether it was harassment, assault, or coercion.

Often, women push these experiences down for years—until they enter a long-term, “safe” relationship where their nervous system forces them to finally deal with it.

What You Can Do:

• If your wife has opened up about past trauma, encourage her to seek help. This could be therapy, a support group, or talking to a professional.

• Don’t pressure her to push through it or “just get over it.” Healing takes time.

• Reassure her that you love her, you’re not rejecting her, and you’re not angry at her.

This process takes patience. But the good news? When a woman feels supported and safe in her healing, intimacy can return.

2. You’re Not Providing the Leadership She Needs

The second—and more common—reason a woman loses attraction is when her partner isn’t showing up as the leader she needs.

This doesn’t mean being domineering. Leadership in a relationship means creating the conditions where she feels safe, seen, and desired.

There are two ways men tend to get this wrong:

A. The "Good Provider" Who Lacks Emotional Leadership

Many men assume that providing financial stability should be enough to keep attraction alive. But if all your energy goes into work and you stop pursuing her emotionally, she won’t feel connected to you in a way that fosters intimacy.

B. The "Nice Guy" Who Becomes Codependent

On the other side, if you’re overly needy, clingy, or always trying to “fix” things for her, it triggers her maternal instincts. And let me tell you—no woman feels sexually attracted to a man she has to mother.

If you’ve been making her your emotional center, relying on her approval to feel okay, that’s a recipe for desire to vanish.

The 3 Universal Elements of Desire

Now that we’ve covered what kills intimacy, let’s talk about what brings it back.

World-renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel identified three universal elements that create and sustain desire in long-term relationships. I’ve been coaching men for over a decade, and I can tell you—these always work.

1. Distance: Time Apart Creates Attraction

• Couples need space from each other to maintain attraction.

• Time apart—weekends away, separate hobbies, nights with friends—allows her to imagine being with you again.

• If you’re always around, always available, there’s no tension, no mystery, no pull.

2. Purpose: She Needs to See You in Your Element

• Women are attracted to men who have a purpose beyond them.

• If you’ve made her your emotional center, that’s pressure—not passion.

• The key is to thrive in something outside your relationship:

  • Pursue a meaningful career.

  • Have a strong circle of male friendships.

  • Invest in yourself—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

  • Seek God and build a solid foundation in your faith.

"Men only become men around other men." If you want to be more attractive to your wife, surround yourself with men who challenge and support you.

3. Novelty: Experience New Things Together

• Long-term relationships can become stale when couples fall into routines.

• But here’s the mistake: Novelty doesn’t mean just trying new things in the bedroom.

• Instead, try new experiences together:

  • Travel somewhere new.

  • Take a dance class.

  • Go on an adventure.

  • Get out of your comfort zones together.

When new parts of the brain get activated, desire follows.

What to Do Now

1️⃣ Stop making her your emotional center. No one person can meet all your emotional needs. Find purpose outside of your relationship.

2️⃣ Lead in a way that makes her feel safe. Safety isn’t just financial—it’s emotional, mental, and spiritual.

3️⃣ Create distance and space. Let her miss you.

4️⃣ Bring novelty into your relationship. Shake things up. Do something new together.

5️⃣ Take care of your body, mind, and spirit. The most attractive thing you can do is become the best version of yourself.

Want More Help?

I’ve been coaching men through this process for over a decade, and I know how hard it can be to break the cycle of codependency and disconnection.

📩 Get the Free Guide to Fix Your Codependency: https://bit.ly/42OLnXm

🎓 Take the $47 Jumpstart Course to Heal from Codependency: https://bit.ly/3CHvJ5B

📞 Book an Intro Coaching Call: https://bit.ly/4gJxw8g

Things can be different.